When I accepted and took on the responsibility of submitting a weekly blog entry at Obscura, I started to think about what it is I can write about. 

I am an English Major, creative writing focus. Although I specialize in poetry and not prose, putting forth a weekly discussion in the form of prose, should be feasible. But even still, knowing that I have taken on the responsibility to fill up this very page every week with new content, is something that I should consider and figure out. And that part of me, the consider-er… or whatever word that would be, is my philosophical side, which I engage with by taking on a Philosophy major and overthinking some important happenings and other insignificant details in my life. 

By willingly taking on the responsibility of this weekly blog, it’s on me to figure out how to fill that up and do it the best I can. Because if I’m not at least trying, or convincing myself that I’m doing roughly the best I can, then what is the point of agreeing to this at all? I’m putting myself into the world for all to see and read, and it would be shameful if I do less than what I can.

I could try to write a story with recurring characters, or just a short story a week, or something within those two points, but not only do I not have enough good ideas, a single great idea, or enough confidence to be able to find a reasonable idea by the time it’s due. But even if I do, I know me. And I don’t trust myself to be able to write fiction, or even recall reality each week. My inspirations are fleeting, and if I force myself, the quality may dip and that would cause me distress that I am not willing to place upon myself. Especially in this climate, where I am stuck in a place I don’t really want to be, doing things that will undoubtedly get less and less rewarding each time I do them. 

So, instead. Naturally, as someone who always argues with themselves and somehow never wins, it felt reasonable to simply engage with what I was told is a writer’s journal. Which is this, and which will be what will be posted Thursday every week for the summer. Now, you might be wondering, 

What is a writer’s journal exactly? What should I expect from you every week?  Is this a writer’s journal?

If you are asking those questions, then I recommend you ask different questions, because I have no answers for you. At least not right now. Because right now, all I know is that I’m trying to stay happy and fulfilled day by day. I had things going for me, but they’re gone now, and it’s important not to dwell. Instead, look forward and do what I can. And don’t waste opportunities.

To wrap this up, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Brandon Noel Mendez, and each Thursday, I will be contributing a journal entry on something that’s pressing me in some form. I’ll try not to get too personal here, and instead focus on overreaching connections and ideas, (they might even be interesting sometimes) but it’s possible I vent a bit and talk about how I wasted 2+ years of my life trying to be good enough for someone who won’t allow themselves to care. 

But if I do that, I’ll pull it together and make an inspirational statement about how you just need to learn from your mistakes and try not to punch people in the throat when they deserve it. Not that I did that, mind you. Not only would I not aim for the throat, despite that being one of the more fun places to punch a bratty douchebag, but I try not to make big commitments like that. Which is actually a mistake I make often, not wanting to make commitments when I probably should.

So, in that regard, agreeing to doing this weekly entry could be a way of myself trying to not make the same mistakes again. Even if that’s not something that motivated me at first. 

Now, only if this blog page would be warm enough to keep me cozy at night and rude enough to make me realize that I really care. Then maybe I’d stick with it for 2 years and ignore everything else.