Hello again! Well, it is now the ending of May and NYC is still on “Pause”, which means I am so over this quarantine. As I’m sure many people are. The ending of May also means it’s the end of the semester. While I am not graduating this semester as I had expected to… all is not lost. I’ve accepted that being in the middle of a quarantine, not having a steady schedule, nor a place to study, I can’t be too hard on myself about not graduating. 

These past few months have taken a toll on my heart and mind. Being home all day and all night and dealing with absolutely everything in my household has really thrown me off balance. It’s not just that I became my father’s caretaker, because really I’ve been caring for him for the last four years. But it’s that I’ve had to take charge of my entire household. While it may only be my father, my son, and me, it’s the fact that it’s not just “my bills” I have to be concerned with but my dad’s paperwork as well. It’s now my responsibility to make sure things get done, that means the rent, household repairs, his mail, his laundry, his meals, his medications, the groceries, organizing my father’s things as much as he will allow me, some days the list seems endless. 

Graduation took a back seat in my list of priorities when I realized that once I get a full-time job, I can’t just get up and move away, leaving my dad behind. I have to now plan for a household of three people, with one of them having very pressing needs. With my father’s most recent incidents (he fell twice) and the advancements of his ailments, there’s also planning for his future. It weighs heavy on me, I will admit. 

But speaking of futures, my son also has a new future approaching. He starts kindergarten in September, but with the way this quarantine is going, it’s very possible he may start his new school over the computer. Which sadly, robs me of that first day of school excitement for us, it robs my son of meeting new teachers and friends, and experiencing his own school environment. It’s heartbreaking for me because well… I have always loved being in school and my son has flourished so much being on our Lehman campus. I’ve had to search online, connect with people over the phone, and make the crucial decision of what school my child should attend, all from a distance. It’s been such a nerve-racking process as a parent. Planning my child’s future is as essential as anything else I do. There’s nothing more I could want to achieve as best as I can, than giving my precious boy the best of my decisions for him. 

Stepping into the main decision-maker role for my family, it also Includes decisions for myself. Graduating, working in my field of study, and dare I say finding love. While graduation is going to take one more semester to complete, it’s going to happen- one way or the other- the job hunt has already begun, and surprisingly love has knocked on my door. Imagine that! As much as my situation has been difficult to deal with, I’ve been able to make sure the necessary things continue to move forward. 

Sometimes I stop and think I must be crazy to have the audacity to want a significant other…a companion…a life partner. I have so many responsibilities to focus on. And it’s not that I want someone to save me, I would just love to have someone to witness life together with me. But what could I possibly have to offer other than full hands? Who has time to like anyone anyway right? 

Well… wait… actually… time is what I have the most of right now don’t I? Still, my hands are pretty full, who would want to take on my life? I’ve always been one to hold things in, to handle life’s difficulties and struggles on my own, and to push through without asking for too much help. But when there’s a part of you that knows something is missing, you’re left to make your own decisions for your heart. Either close yourself up and continue to push through on your own or you can open yourself up for the possibility that God will have heard your prayers and send you your person. 

I chose to have a little hope for myself and hold onto my faith in God. My father’s doctor gave me the reality of what’s happening with my father’s health and gave me crucial advice on how to handle it. I needed that more than I can say. Services for my father are being put into place which will take some of the weight off of me. My son is healthy and has new adventures awaiting him once the quarantine is over. He continues to grow and finds reasons to laugh and play even though we can’t go outside the majority of the time. He still gets to enjoy time with his father and his family, which has been important for him in getting through life as we know it now. As for me, well, I am allowing myself to refocus on how to complete school before 2020 is over. When it comes to love… I am allowing God to definitely write my love story. If someone should be so willing as to take a chance on me, then why not? 

On that note…here’s a quote from a special someone… 

Love me enough to try.  

~ S. M. ~