Photo Credit: CNBC, Noam Galai | Getty Images

As I start this new entry, I find that it might be a little difficult to talk about anything new. Our corner of the world is still being affected by the COVID-19 outbreak. New York City is still on lockdown and people are still dying. Granted the number of dying people has been 300 less a day than what it was just 2 weeks ago. Still, it’s a massive amount of deaths every day. Hearing from friends and family that have fallen ill or have passed, nearly every day, begins to take a toll on my emotional state. How do you mourn with or for your friends and their family when you can’t see them, hug them, or be there for them to lean on?

Numbers and statistics and charts are all the news seems to be about, so the fear of taking my child out for a walk around my neighborhood is still very present. Living in the hood is not the place to be when everything breaks out in havoc. It’s on my mind all day long. The motivation to even attempt to go outside has diminished in me as well. But honestly, does that even matter? Trying to maintain an active household with the new perimeters our world is living, is all about scrambling to make it work. 

My 4-year-old does not care about any of the above. Granted he’s still too young to understand the gravity of the situation. So my focus goes to attending to him while following all the guidelines we’ve been given. Again, he doesn’t understand this. He wants to be out and about, he wants to play all day, he wants to be challenged, he wants to grow. The challenge and struggle for me comes in how to keep this distance learning going strong. I’m a little old fashioned, where I’m not crazy about letting him on a phone, tablet, or laptop. But, I feel like I’ve run out of ways to keep him entertained otherwise and we have to depend on the internet for everything. I’m not ashamed to say that when he left his father’s house last week, I was relieved for the break. It got so overwhelming, I questioned my own ability to parent him effectively. 

So while we’re still getting used to this and working out some of the kinks, my stress levels stayed high. I realized I’ve only gone out of the house to run household errands and nothing else. Even though that is essentially what we are supposed to be doing, I need a breather. I need to go somewhere, while maintaining social distancing, and just take a moment to myself. I’ve been so afraid to because unfortunately, I am one who falls on the “immune-compromised” list. Between lupus and my heart condition, my life would be compromised. It’s awful to think that way, but that is the reality we live in. Yet, I still feel suffocated at home. 

It’s times like these I hang onto my faith the tightest. I call on God for answers, reassurance, comfort, and relief. I suppose many of us are in the same boat. So while my son is finally laying down for bed at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday night, I’ll continue to say my prayers over my household, but also for every one lost, struggling, mourning or the like. It’s the best I have to offer for the moment until the fire of life blazes in me again.

Good night.